Twirling meat is coming home

I am a big fan of self-improvement. "That which does not grow is dead," I say. So I keep trying to grow in various ways in an attempt to improve my life and the lives of those around me.

Cuisine, AKA cooking, is one way in which I am trying to improve. Upon a lot of reflection, I realize the best way I can do this is to purchase a lamb-filled spit, install it in my home and have gyros available at all times.

At first, I thought some slight adjustments to my cooking - new recipes, different spices, fresh combinations - might be in order. But all that subtle mumbo jumbo could not possibly offer me and my neighborhood constant gyros.

Why is it is so rare to see other meat on an enormous spit? Well, obviously, other meat remains technologically unadvanced while lamb meat has boldly entered the 21st century.Of course, a skeptic might say that a twirling spit of succulent lamb meat at home is impractical. Well, those skeptics always have a way of seeing the negative. Hopefully, I will soon have a gyro spit in my kitchen, and I will be carving my way to true happiness.

LeBron, go **** yourself

According to the Kubler-Ross model of grief, humans go through five emotions when faced with a loss. They go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

As an avid Cleveland sports fan, I am stuck in the anger stage when it comes to the mentally deficient and morally depraved LeBron James - a self-made villain.

I don't mean to swear, but LeBron, go **** yourself!

I have witnessed some stupidity in my lifetime and a lot of Cleveland sports grief, but the manner in which LeBron pulled his exit to Miami shows how evil and stupid he is. If you are going to have an hour special announcing your exit, you had better have a better message than "winning is everything" or "f you, Cleveland."

My fellow sports fans in Cleveland agree. People who understand that "winning is everything" is not the biggest message in life also get it. LeBron does not.

He needs to move out of the Cleveland area. He is not wanted there, and he is not good enough for us. Character is more important than hoops.

P.S. - The Snooze Button Generation is on vacation and likely will take a bunch of days off from posting. But the Generation felt necessary to vent a bit after hearing this horrible news about James.

Casper: A kid who didn't make it

Ten years ago this week, Justin Pierce was found dead, hanging in his room in the Bellagio in Las Vegas.

Pierce was 25 and was not that famous, but perhaps known for his portrayal of Casper in the 1995 film "Kids." I honestly did not realize he was dead until I wondered what ever happened to the kids in Kids and did some Internet research.

Chloe Sevigny, who had an odd alleged love affair chronicled in this blog, and Rosario Dawson are the only two actors who did much after "Kids." And Casper ... well, he died five years later.When it came out, "Kids" was a bit controversial and had the rare NC-17 rating. The film showed teens and preteens stealing 40-ounce beers, drinking, smoking weed, fighting, having sex and getting AIDS. I guess there are a lot of similarities between "Kids" and MTV's "Jersey Shore."

I could have sworn the song "Psycho Dwarf" by the Beatnuts was in "Kids," but according to my Internet research, it was not. Really? Hmm. If that song is taken to extremes, the person likely will end up dead - perhaps like Casper.

I really wasn't offended by "Kids," although I was 22 and living in Washington Square Village when it was released. It must be remembered that the film, written by Harmony Korine and directed by Larry Clark, is fiction, although it has a semi-faux documentary feel.

Sophie creates buzz in art world

A 5-year-old girl from Long Beach, Calif., is making an impact in the art world and could create bidding wars for her innovative art, the Snooze Button Generation has learned from a source.

Sophie Stevens, 5, has been dabbling in realism, abstract impressionism and surrealism since she was 2 and has developed some fans. She creates her art in mostly marker on paper but does not shy away from other less-conventional materials, including cotton balls, straws, seashells and grocery-store stickers."Look, I'm not going to comment on Sophie's artwork," Snooze Button Generation founder and CEO Joe Stevens said. "She's my daughter, and drawing and coloring are part of her development. I don't want to put any pressure on her to be some sort of world-class artist. I want her drawing to be completely healthy."

An obvious comparison to Sophie is "child prodigy" Marla Olmstead, the subject of the 2007 documentary "My Kid Could Paint That." Olmstead obtained international media attention by age 4, and her work has sold for more than $300,000.

Sophie refuses to sell any of her artwork, but she says she will take work on commission.Sources also say that Sophie's younger sister, Chloe, is making an impact in the world of performance art. Chloe, who turns 3 tomorrow, did a seminal performance in March that involved a bubble machine and bicycle helmet.

Horsey Sauce: The King of Fast-food Packets

No matter how hard I crunch the numbers, it looks impossible to get rich by saving ketchup packets.

Let's say you are an avid ketchup user and use 10 bottles per year that cost $1.99. If you hoard ketchup packets from fast-food places, then - voila! - an annual savings of $19.90 will come your way. ... Jackpot!

But not so fast. Fast food has its own cost. And chances are, you likely will have a ketchup bottle on hand in case company comes over. Why not keep one ketchup bottle and constantly squeeze the packets into it? The hoity-toity company would never know!

However, if that plan happens, I suspect you would have a reaction while squeezing the packets into the bottle, similar to how a hitman must react as he dismembers a body. "What a minute! What the heck am I doing here? Is this really worth it?"

Ketchup packets are on my mind because I recently went to Arby's and had roast beef sandwiches. I rediscovered this fact of life: Horsey Sauce packets are the best fast-food condiments in the world.Where would the roast beef sandwich be without Horsey Sauce? I simply would not eat it without that glorious white sauce.

Yet here's the problem that keeps me up and night, pacing and nervous: Why doesn't Horsey Sauce work on any other food except Arby's roast beef sandwiches? Man, that is a riddle I simply cannot solve.I seriously can think of no better condiment in a packet than Horsey Sauce. I do respect Taco Bell for attempting to be funny with the sayings it puts on its hot-sauce packets. Unfortunately, I have never laughed because of the Taco Bell packets.

Summer is ready when you are

Summer is not a season. It is a state of mind.

Thus, someone can experience summer in December, or summer in the snow. I elect to experience summer mostly in July and August and a little bit in June.

That's one of the myriad things I've learned from the chick band, the Breeders, in the single "Saints" with the slick lyric "summer is ready when you are." In my estimation, the Breeders are "the best chick band of the Snooze Button Generation and perhaps of all-time."

Now, the top selling female performers tend not to be rockers. Of the 15 female groups that have sold at least 10 million albums, none can be considered rock stars. The top three, by the way, are the top Spice Girls, TLC and Destiny's Child.Common answers for finding out "the greatest chick band ever" are the Bangles or the Go-Gos. But those bands simply don't rock hard enough.

Other common answers for the best female rocker are Patti Smith or Joan Jett. Not bad. But they might predate the Snooze Button Generation and are solo artists, though Jett's Runaways might be part of the conversation.L7 rocks, too, and I guess so does Hole, even though Courtney Love is so annoying. Some people like Bikini Kill and riot grrrl bands, but I don't know many guys who like those bands.

In other words, with twin sisters Kim and Kelley Deal leading the way, the Breeders might very well be the "best chick band ever." Their latest album, "Mountain Battles," is solid, too.

Others might argue that, wait a minute, there are male members in the Breeders. Blah, blah, blah. Long live the Breeders! Cannonball!

XMan named 'World's Greatest Dad'

The XMan has been named the "World's Greatest Dad," according to a study by the Snooze Button Generation released today on Father's Day.

Although there are 6.8 billion people in the world, the XMan was an easy choice for "World's Greatest Dad" because of his love for his family, enjoyment of life, dependability and sophistication.

"This is a prestigious award, and I love the XMan," Snooze Button Generation founder and CEO Joe Stevens said. "With 6.8 billion people in the world, I would estimate that there are 2 billion dads out there. X simply is No. 1."
Sources say a potential controversy with XMan's title of "World's Greatest Dad" is that the award is subjective and he is Stevens' father. Sources also say a better choice could be a well-known humanitarian or philanthropist who happens to be a dad, such as Nelson Mandela.

But was Mandela a world-class little league baseball coach and family gamer? Mandela might have been instrumental in ending apartheid, but could he have founded the Polish Olympics? And what kind of dad spends 27 years in the hoosegow as a political prisoner?

The XMan and I share a lot of indisputable philosophies that guide us and have helped us live great lives. The Xman has told me:

"We are all going to die!"
"Don't wear a golf glove when you putt. It's like ****ing with a ******."
"Your mother is a saint."

I couldn't agree more with all three of those guiding philosophies. Happy Father's Day!

Big wine glasses make me feel tiny

I love when time stops at nice restaurants. The server insists on someone trying the wine to make sure it is acceptable. Then, it's all eyes on the person with the glass.

The person trying the wine typically does one of two things: 1) Look like he really knows a lot about wine, or 2) look like he is used to the drill of trying the wine. La ti da!

I guess I am used to the drill, but I find it a perfect time for jokes and/or putting down the wine.

"You expect us to drink this rat urine?"
"Ooh, my favorite part was the sentiment!"
"I like it. It reminds me of gasoline."

Not too long ago, I was at a restaurant with over-sized wine glasses. Are they classy? I don't think so. But I will say this: They make me feel tiny.
Some might say over-sized glasses let the wine breathe and allow the imbiber to experience the full aroma of the wine. Blah, blah, blah. I just think they make me feel small.

Those big glasses are the opposite of 7-ounce Little Kings Original Cream Ale bottles, which made me feel like a giant. Yeah, I haven't seen Little Kings in a long time, not sure if they exist in California. But those 7-ounce bottles, known as "pocket rockets" or "little killers," make any alcoholic look cute.

'They can't seem to get control of the ball!'

I am not the best pinball player in the world. But I am in the top 10.

At least, that's what I used to say in the mid-1990s when I was an avid pinball player and multiball specialist. I still love pinball but rarely play. In Long Beach, Calif., hardly any pinball machines are in town, and nearly all of them are broken down. I suspect that's the case in the majority of America's metropolises.

Pinball was patented in Cincinnati in 1871, and it had a lot of popularity in 1950s and '60s. But the best machines came out in the 1990s.

I am thinking about pinball again because of the 2010 FIFA World Cup, which isn't really about soccer. No, like all World Cups, this year's World Cup is an homage to the 1994 Bally pinball game World Cup.

Dang, that World Cup pinball machine was smooth, exciting and my favorite of all-time. Others might say Twilight Zone (1993 Bally) and Addams Family (1992 Bally) were the best of all-time, and there is even an extensive list that claims this as fact.

While Twilight Zone and Addams Family are cooler than World Cup, they don't play better. However, I must admit there is a chance the World Cup game can be immediately eliminated from all conversations because of the goofy-ass dog in it, Stryker, the 1994 World Cup mascot.But, no, World Cup is the best pinball machine ever because its purpose makes sense (beat the other teams and win the World Cup!) and there is no wasted space. Pinball is about three senses - vision, hearing and touch - and the sounds are especially good because a sports announcer critiques the play.

"How did he make that save?"
"They can't seem to get control of the ball."
"What a shot! What a powerful shot!"

After World Cup, the best pinball machines ever made are Star Wars (1992 Data East), Theatre of Magic (1995 Bally) and The Shadow (1994 Bally).

I'm out in the real world now

I must confess. Although I am happy to be done with school, teachers' crazy rules, tests and waking up so early, I am a little scared to go out into the real world.

I graduated from high school yesterday, and emotions are swirling around me. Ultimately, I feel elated. But I also feel bittersweet and scared.

One of my astute students said, "Aren't you already in the real world? I mean, you're a teacher, have kids and weren't you a writer for a newspaper?"

"Let's not get hung up on technicalities," I responded. "I'm pretty sure I'm graduating here. ... Yeah! Seniors!!!"I wasn't sure the emotions I would feel as the first students I had as a high-school writing teacher graduated. My goal was not to cry because I have never seen James Bond cry in public. The hard part was that I know some of the turmoil many of my students overcame to graduate.

Both parents in jail, murdered friends, moving to the U.S. at 13, having two babies in high school - the stuff some of my students went through to graduate is no joke and hardcore. Yeah, my goal was to be tough and not shed a tear in front of them. That didn't happen.

High school rocks at age 36!

Most people graduate from high school when they are approximately 18 years old. I prefer to graduate every 18 years or so and will graduate from high school again on Thursday.

Just like in 1991, I am participating in a lot of graduation fanfare that gives closure to my high-school career. In this case, it gives closure to my second high-school career (though I plan on still teaching next year).

This past week, I went to a banquet then a senior picnic at a glorious water park called Raging Waters, where I rode water slides approximately 20 times. Later in the week, I attended prom.Graduating from high school is a lot different when one is 36 than 17 or 18 because I am much more comfortable and relaxed. I guess I'm having more fun this second time, so I highly recommend an extra high-school graduation to everyone in their 30s.

As opposed to graduating from the esteemed all-boys St. Ignatius High School in Cleveland, this time I am graduating from Firebaugh High School in Lynwood, Calif. Technically, I am a teacher at Firebaugh, but I have made a conscious decision to participate in senior activities and have fun. And, man, I am having a blast!

This upcoming week, I will be a part of a senior assembly, senior breakfast, graduation and then something called "Grad Night" at Disneyland. I am likely going to skip the senior yearbook party because I am too cool for that.I guess the real reason why I am a part of all of these activities is because of how much I care for my students. I taught juniors last year (They're seniors this year.) and then juniors and seniors this year. I know a lot about my students, have a strong affinity for them and think they're on the path to great lives.

My students have taught me a lot about life, and even though there was absolutely nothing wrong with my first graduation in 1991, I have been loving my 2010 graduation. Heck, I can't wait until 2028 when I graduate again.

U.S. sorely needs foil balls

Although I should probably hold my tongue and not criticize the United States on Memorial Day, I must let the U.S. know the truth. Blame Congress, President Obama or the corporations, but the U.S. has dropped the ball. There is a distinct lack of foil balls in our country, and citizens are suffering because of it.

Maybe I'm a hypocrite. I have no foil ball. But, honestly, it is the corporations' fault. Specifically, I blame the conglomerate called "Hostess" for our country's void of foil balls. I have no evidence to support my following claim, but I suspect Fruit Pie the Magician ruined Ho Hos and foil balls.Back in the early '80s, Hostess sold delectable treats called Ho Hos in aluminum foil. After eating a box of Ho Hos, my brother and I would start a foil ball. Those balls never seemed to grow. I suspect my mom may have quietly thrown them away, but regardless, foil balls were in our life.
In the late '80s, Hostess then switched its packaging from aluminum foil to silver, throwaway packaging. That grotesque corporate move meant the end of foil balls in many households, including mine.

Nowadays, the U.S. economy is suffering, and so are works of art (AKA big balls). Sure, the world's biggest ball of twine is in Darwin, Minn., and the biggest popcorn ball shines in Sac City, Iowa. But where is the biggest foil ball?

A genius blogger watched his foil ball grow between 2004 and 2006, but where is that ball now? Someone named Megan bragged on a message board in March about having a 14-foot foil ball, but where on the Internet is there a picture of it?

I am no politician, but I do have a simple five-step quick plan of success for Obama and the U.S.: 1) Clean up oil spill, 2) fix economy, 3) curtail Mideast troops, 4) revamp health-care boondoggle and 5) create foil ball.

I've detected the meaning of life - buried treasure

If you ask teachers to say the two main reasons why they chose their profession, many will say, "July and August."

But not me. I embrace the job and have a zillion more important reasons, including "making a difference." I do enjoy the summers off yet still feel the need to be productive.

With the summer approaching, I am thinking of solid ways of being productive when I am off. I can think of nothing more productive than purchasing a metal detector and striking it rich from the buried treasures found on beaches.

By my calculations, if I buy a Kellyco Hybrid Cobra beach metal detector for $449.95, then I will easily make back my initial investment in 2 years, 9 months.If I had a glorious Kellyco beach metal detector, I would find approximately $0.45 per day, as long as I put eight hours into metal detecting each time. Assuming I did that every day (including the school year) for 2 years, 9 months, I would recoup my $449.95. Then, in the next July and August, I would metal detect every day and earn $27.45. That's what I call easy money!

Whenever I run across something too good to be true, I must take a step back and wonder if what I have discovered is truly that special. After doing the math, thinking through things slowly and clearly, I must say that metal detecting on beaches is the way to go.

If you ever happen to see a metal detecting beach guy, it is obvious. Look at the chap's countenance. Yeah, it's true. He's got the world figured out.

Give me just three years. Expect my skin to turn leathery from being on beaches for eight hours per day. But bank account, get ready. Here comes $27.45!

Morganna, thanks for the mammaries

I rarely watch baseball games, but when I do, I keep hoping Morganna the Kissing Bandit bursts onto the field and smooches a player.

Yeah, that scenario hasn't happened since 1999, but I'm hoping - OK, yearning - it will happen.

As a preteen in the 1980s, I did not know what to make of Morganna, whose measurements are 60-23-39. Why was she disrupting baseball games? Every so often, she would run on a field in the middle of a game and kiss a player. Why were the adults laughing so much?

I would argue that the pinnacle of her kissing-bandit career came in 1979 when she kissed George Brett at the All-Star Game in Seattle (pictured above). The All-Star Game is a big deal, and that means this had to be a premeditated act with baseball p.r. folk involved. ... Man, baseball used to be so cool!Eventually, Morganna kissed more than 50 major league baseball and NBA players. She started her career as a 17-year-old in 1971 in Cincinnati, where she first kissed Pete Rose. She ended her career in December 1999.

Fans and players had different reactions to the Kissing Bandit, and perhaps my favorite reaction came from Detroit Pistons forward Kelly Tripucka, who said, "It was like hugging a mattress. When I saw her coming at me, I thought it was like a Mack truck. I had two options – either get hit or get out of the way. I decided to get hit."

I had a real hard time finding a story asking this important question: "What ever happened to Morganna the Kissing Bandit?" She denied a request to be interviewed by the Seattle Post-Intelligencer in July 2010, then a few days later, left a voice mail with the reporter explaining her plans and whereabouts.

Today, she is 55 and lives with her husband in Columbus, Ohio. She has not been a kissing bandit for more than a decade and doesn't sign glossies of herself anymore. But if she did, she undoubtedly would sign them with her trademark signature:

"Breast wishes, Morganna"

Oldenburg named greatest living artist

Swedish sculptor Claes Oldenburg edged Jasper Johns for the title of "greatest living artist," according to the Snooze Button Generation's prestigious list of the 10 greatest living artists released today.

The Snooze Button Generation based its list on artists' 1) impact in the world, 2) significance in the art world, 3) auction results and 4) overall hipness. Similar lists focus on the artists' significance in the art world and auction value, but the SBG's list is unique because of adding impact beyond the art world and hipness.

"At first glance, there hardly seems to be any uber-famous living artists," Snooze Button Generation founder and CEO Joe Stevens said. "And in a way, there aren't any. I mean, how many people on this list would you recognize walking down the street? None. But still, you can't deny the significance or hipness of those on this list."

Brice Marden, Gerhard Richter, Richard Serra, Frank Stella and Cy Twombly are among the top 10 living artists whose work is the highest selling, according to ARTnews. All five were snubbed by the Snooze Button Generation's top 10 list, but other big-selling artists made the list.

1. Claes Oldenburg. No living artist may have affected the masses more than Oldenburg. His enormous sculptures, including binoculars in Venice, Calif., free stamp in Cleveland, clothespin in Philadelphia and others show that he is the master of public art. And isn't public art really more important than art confined to museums?

2. Jasper Johns. He is by far the most expensive living artist. David Geffen bought his Gray Numbers (1958) for $40 million, a price tag practically unheard of for a living artist's work. He just turned 80, is not the oldest person on this list and really has not done anything noteworthy since the '60s.3. David Hockney. His photocollages that he refers to as "joiners" created a new medium and are totally cool. He also has high standing in the art world as a painter, but most prefer his joiners.4. Christo. He is often absent from lists like this, but this list rewards public art and accessible work. His wife, Jeanne-Claude, and co-creator of their art passed away in November, after the two had been together for 51 years.

5. Lucian Freud. When surrealism was developing, Freud was part of the movement, then he seemingly became addicted to nudes. He is the grandson of Sigmund Freud and is still breathing at 87.6. Matthew Barney. He may be the least significant artist on this list, yet the most relevant today. At 43, he is by far the youngest, and after his avant-garde Cremaster Cycle, it would be nice if he could top that and prove he is more than just Bjork's live-in husband and baby's daddy.

7. Nan Goldin. This is the only non-white male on the list, which is an awful reality of the art world. This slot probably should have gone to Cindy Sherman, but Goldin's hip, heroin chic photos are more powerful than hers.8. Bruce Nauman. Of living artists, only Johns and Nauman's names appear on Christie’s list of the 200 most expensive objects auctioned by Sotheby’s and Christie’s since 1985. Nauman's work is innovative, yet he may not have ever revealed any mystic truth to the Snooze Button Generation.

9. Andreas Gursky. Perhaps he should be known as "The PhotoShop Master," and, man, his 99-cent photo is da bomb. Art buyers agree. His "99 Cent II" holds the record for highest price paid at auction for a photo. It went for $3.3 million at Sotheby's, London, in 2007.10. Jeff Koons. Big stuff. Cool stuff. Maybe it's kitsch, but so what? He also has an impact with public art, and the Snooze Button Generation loves that.

Lawn ornaments are not tacky at all

America has a lot of problems - a dependence on oil, expensive war, ginormous deficit and health-care woes.

But the biggest problem of all is that America has completely missed the boat with lawn ornaments.

These suckers are shiny, artistic, understated and sophisticated. Why do I not see more of them?

Well, a lot of people are misguided when it comes to lawn style. Maybe they think lawn ornaments are tacky, or maybe they think adorning their lawn with a jockey, shiny ball or gnome is too fancy - pretty much the same reason why many people are afraid to drive PT Cruisers.

I guess I'm a hypocrite because I don't have any lawn ornaments, and friends - so-called friends - inform me that they are indeed tacky. But how in the world could a shiny yard globe be tacky? It has healing powers.Lawn jockeys are a whole different conversation. Even though most are white nowadays, they seem racist.

However, according to at least one article, the black jockey in the "Jocko" style originally was a symbol of freedom for runaway slaves. I could not verify it on the Internet, but I believe the PT Cruiser is a symbol for awesomeness.

Iron Chef: Boboli

"Let's eat a Bobo!"

Aaaah, those words were a part of my youth when sometimes my family would a eat home-topped Boboli instead of going out for pie. Yeah, man, those Bobos were good, but curiously, they were absent from my life for many years - gone from approximately 1987 to 2004.

Eventually, Bobos again became part of my life when my brother and the World's Most Sophisticated Man visited me in California and we had an "Iron Chef: Boboli" competition. I made a Thai chicken Bobo, and Sophistication made a bbq chicken Bobo. My bro made a tomato-based Bobo and somehow won the competition.Bobolis are still in grocery stores, but they don't seem the same as back in the 1980s. The big corporation Grupo Bimbo owns the Bobos. But nowadays, Bobos often are sold with pizza sauce, and that seems confining and sacrilegious.

Perhaps I'll make a Bobo soon for nostalgic reasons, but I don't know if I'll ever get back that Bobo glee I had in the '80s.

'Singles' soundtrack: Cool again ... maybe

I rarely look forward to the release of romantic comedies. But I did, not so long ago ... in 1992.

Yeah, I remember looking forward to the release of "Singles." I did this for two reasons. 1) The soundtrack was pretty good, featuring Paul Westerberg, the Screaming Trees and Smashing Pumpkins (before they sucked).

2) This was Cameron Crowe's next film since the important Snooze Button Generation flick "Say Anything..."

Overall, "Singles" is a letdown. A big criticism of the film is that it was pieced together by the soundtrack, and that's probably true. With the release of a big-budget movie like that, it also meant the end of the grunge era.In hindsight, "Singles" had no chance of succeeding. It merely tried to capitalize on the popularity of the grunge movement in Seattle. But at least the movie taught me not to look forward to romantic comedies.

Thankfully, the grunge movement has been over for so long that it is cool again to like grunge rock. I estimate there was a 15-year waiting period with this, but there actually might be a 20-year waiting period. We might still have to wait five years for this to be cool again.

Acquaintance: What type of music do you like?
Snooze Button Generation: Grunge.
Acquaintance: Oh. OK. So I guess that explains the flannel shirt you're wearing in California in May. ... I thought you might be a lumberjack.

Let's unite to make the fanny pack sexy

I have a few major goals in life, and although some of those goals might be difficult to obtain, I think they are possible.

One of those goals is this:

Make the fanny pack sexy.

Due to my sophisticated heterosexuality, I believe I can wear a fanny pack and make it sexy. In other words, I think I can rock the fanny pack. And, man, when one rocks the fanny pack, look out. That is hot!

Two big problems hold back the fanny pack from being considered sexy. One is the name itself fanny pack. The word "fanny" just isn't sexy, although in Great Britain the term is much different than in the U.S. In some counter-cultures, other words are used in place of fanny pack. I personally like "hip sack."

Another problem the "hip sack" has with being sexy is that it is a bit bulky. Why not design a smaller, tighter hip sack?In an ideal world, I would be contacted by Coach or Prada to design the sexy fanny pack. If I would have an ad campaign for it, I would suggest one similar to Calvin Klein Obsession or Chanel No. 5.

Nuns: A dying breed

I do not mean to be judgmental with the lifestyles of nuns, but I can say this:

The lifestyle of a nun looks totally unattractive to me.

Catholic nuns take vows of poverty, chastity and obedience, and if I took those vows, I bet I would be extremely grumpy. Of course, there are other nuns than the Catholic ones, but I am most concerned with those nuns because I attended Catholic schools from first through 12th grade.

No doubt, nuns are a dying breed. In 1965, there were 180,000 nuns. Today, there are 60,000, and the average age of a nun is 69, according to a Time Magazine article a few years back.I have no big statement to make about nuns, other than to point out the numbers and avoid all puns with the word "habit." There are only 60,000 of them in the United States, which has 300 million people. I had nuns as teachers in first, second and sixth grade. Is it possible the Snooze Button Generation killed the nuns?

Chastity. Man, that seems tough. If it's a sin for nuns to masturbate, why don't they go for the gusto and hook up with the UPS guy? I don't want to sound sacrilegious, but if the poverty and obedience vows don't hurt enrollment, the chastity vow must be a humdinger.