SBG founder ages

Snooze Button Generation founder and CEO Joe Stevens has turned 37 years old today and insists that this website have no blog posts about that fact, and this post may get certain staff members fired.

"Look," Stevens said, "I can think of nothing more egotistical than writing about my birthday. That is totally unimportant to the Snooze Button Generation. If you do a post on that, you will be fired."

Before Stevens said those words, he talked about an array of subjects, including the planet Jupiter, Whoppers and something called "birthday insomnia."

"You explain to me why I can't sleep!?" he demanded. "It's gotta be the birthday. Did I sleep the day before I was born? There's no chance of that."

Stevens' words were pensive, yet practical, when describing the significance of turning 37. He talked about personal subjects, including his children, love and death.He also talked about the Cleveland Browns, point spreads and luck. He often switched conversations from personal subjects to pop-culture subjects and wondered aloud if somehow the two were connected.

When asked if he had any major point to make about turning 37, he said this: "Believing in an afterlife is self-deceit. So each year, there's a bittersweet feeling about getting closer to chest-bumping the grim reaper. But y'know what? If you know what you're doing, each year gets better, and a birthday is a cause for celebration."

Stevens' comments spurred a debate among the SBG staff. As the staff argued about the merits of an afterlife for human beings, he drank champagne in the corner of the room.

Finally, after a lot of arguing and champagne, Stevens said, "Cherish the relationships you hold dear to yourself. Sophie, Chloe, XMan, mom, Michael Scott, Meathooks and Sophistication - I love you all and more."

Breaking news: Patricia Arquette has fangs

Actress Patricia Arquette has fangs, the Snooze Button Generation has learned through anecdotal evidence and extensive Internet research.

The SBG noticed the fangs during a viewing of the 1993 film "True Romance," then confirmed the fangs through google images. Strangely, only about 2 percent of her images show Arquette's teeth.

"We take great pride in our scoops," Snooze Button Generation founder and CEO Joe Stevens said. "Our staff did an excellent job with this one. I'm surprised Arquette smiles so much with her mouth closed. Fangs are something to be proud of."

Arquette comes from a showbiz family that includes Rosanna Arquette, David Arquette and transvestite Alexis Arquette. Patricia Arquette is the most successful of the family because of her fangs.The top three movies of any of the Arquettes are "Pulp Fiction," "Desperately Seeking Susan" and "True Romance." Rosanna was in the first two of that list, but Patricia was in "True Romance," her tour de force.

I love the title "True Romance." Hey, man, I'm not sure what true romance exactly entails, but replacing "I love you" with "You're so cool" and having that xylophoney music from Hans Zimmer is a great start.

Joey the Polack to replace Jimmy the Greek

I keep telling myself I need to wear a medallion. If I only donned one, I would finally feel "complete" and then be the country's foremost expert on gambling - like Jimmy the Greek.

For approximately 22 years, the United States has felt a horrible void because of the loss of Jimmy "The Greek" Snyder. First, he was fired from CBS in 1988 for racist comments, then he died in 1996 from a heart attack.

My daughter Sophie and I are attempting to replace Siskel & Ebert as the country's foremost movie critics. While I am at it, I am going to replace Jimmy the Greek as the nation's top gambling expert and be called "Joey the Polack."

Gambling, of course, is a mega-billion-dollar industry in the U.S., and football is the most bet upon sport in the U.S. Approximately 30 million Americans play fantasy football, and one of six Americans participate in sports gambling, according to my Internet research.

Football season is underway, and I have three tips for NFL bettors.
1) Never under any circumstance bet on the Raiders, Browns or Lions.
2) Try to bet against the popular teams - Cowboys, Steelers, Packers, Patriots and Colts.
3) Pick teams with good defenses. With the proliferation of fantasy football, bettors tend to bet on offenses. It's better to put your money on defenses.

These tips, I believe, are 100 percent valid. However, I am not wearing a medallion to back it up, but soon I will have one like the hip-hop sensation T-Pain.Despite my memories of Jimmy the Greek and his medallion, I was unable to find a picture o him wearing one. I am pretty sure he sported one, though.

The Greek made major news when he made racist comments and was fired. Here were some of those racist words:

"The black is a better athlete to begin with because he's been bred to be that way — because of his high thighs and big thighs that goes up into his back, and they can jump higher and run faster because of their bigger thighs. This goes back all the way to the Civil War when during the slave trading, the owner — the slave owner - would breed his big black to his big woman so that he could have a big black kid."

Yikes. As a Polack, I do not believe I am racist. However, I likely will subconsciously lean toward teams with white socks.

I love college life!

As I nervously walked across the quad, emotions enveloped me, and I thought: "I did it. I made it to college!"

It had been a dream of mine - and my family - for me to attend college, and this week, I started my college career. I already feel in the groove, am happy I made it and am experiencing a swirl of emotions. Ultimately, I guess I'm a little homesick.

Technically, the name of my college is Cerritos High School, and I am a teacher there. But in my heart, I feel that the name of my college is Cambridge University, I'm in England and I'm adjusting to college life.

Luckily, I had a positive schooling experience the last few years with an awesome graduation and prom to feel prepared for college. However, I still feel like "the new kid in school," kind of like Kevin Bacon's character in "Footlose." Because of this, I am contemplating using mousse in my hair.

My goals for college are to grow as a person, get good marks and have fun, though I don't want to party so much that my grades suffer.Facing a school of about 2,300 students, I sometimes feel like just a number. Of those 2,300, approximately 100 share my education major (for some odd reason, a lot of the other students refer to us as "teachers," and I can't figure out why).

Perhaps the biggest difference between last year and this year for me is the age of the other students. Of the 100 in my major, the vast majority are older than me.

In fact, on Day 1, we did some type of camaraderie exercise in which I sat next to ladies much older than me. Part of our exercise was to come up with a team name for the older ladies and me. Because nobody said anything during an awkward silence, I suggested our team name be "The Cougars." I am uncertain why, but the older ladies did not like that name.

Michael Scott is getting married

When one has celebrities in his family, that person does not like to talk about them. I find it tacky to brag about my famous relatives because they're really just regular people who happen to be well-known.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize there is no harm in trumpeting one's celebrity relatives if they're deserving of recognition. Therefore, I want to say I am proud of my brother, Michael Scott, who got engaged to his cool and stylish girlfriend Judi this past weekend.

Technically, my brother's name is Fred Stevens, but he has developed a genius brand of humor reminiscent of "The Office" boss, Michael Scott. During his stay in Southern California, his life has been filled with quirks, madness and romance. Just like Michael Scott, he spreads love to all those he meets with a dash of cornball and puns.

During his visit to California, I have witnessed a successful mix of quips and obvious puns. After a trip to the Long Beach Aquarium of the Pacific, I particularly enjoyed his exchange with a parking attendant in which he explained how happy the fish were to see him.That rip-roaring visit to the aquarium was exceptionally hilarious. Two of my favorite moments displaying my brother's humor were when he heckled sea otters and had approximately six people take various photos of him and Judi. I also enjoyed how he somehow used my mother's aquarium pass with her photo on it for admittance.

When I heard that he proposed to Judi in Big Sur, I was extremely happy for the duo. Marriage can be beautiful. However, it can be hard. That's what she said.

My new passion: Extreme ironing

The reason I don't like extreme sports is simple: The guys who are participate are douche bags.

Some might say my extreme-sports judgment is a stereotype, but I don't think so. If I have to qualify my statement, I will say this, "Many guys who participate in extreme sports either look like douche bags or act like douche bags."

With that said, I have finally stumbled upon a cool extreme sport - extreme ironing. Part of the reason I like extreme ironing is because I try to avoid regular ironing. To me, ironing is similar to smoking. It's outdated and unnecessary to be cool.

Extreme ironing takes the presser to difficult locations to iron. For me, I one day envision ironing as a waterfall pelts my head.Though extreme ironing appears a bit goofy, it does bring up major ironing issues. As a sophisticated gentleman, I must wear ironed shirts every so often. However, I avoid shirts that must be ironed as my everyday clothes. I also prefer cotton blends that don't wrinkle too much.

I remember seeing photos from the 1950s with all the fans dressed formally.Those days are long gone, and while I do like well-dressed folks, I always feel like "what the heck am I doing?" when I find myself ironing. I don't think I would have that feeling under a waterfall.

'Sophie & Daddy' replaces 'Siskel & Ebert'

As Sophie Stevens clutched her security blanket and donned her 3-D glasses, the movie "Toy Story 3" reverberated in Theater 6 of the downtown Disney cineplex. Like many parents in movies with kids, I got more enjoyment watching her than the film.

Sophie, 5, just saw her first movie in a theater. Her review was this: "It was a little good. 'Cars' is better because of King Car. I liked Mr. Potato Head and Mrs. Potato Head. They're funny."

Because of Sophie's insightful review and my sophistication, we will end an 11-year void our country has endured and replace "Siskel & Ebert" as the country's foremost movie critics.

As a involuntary rule, I'm predisposed to dislike any, and all, sequels. A third installment of any movie already has a black mark against it because it may just be cashing in on previous success. "Toy Story 3," though, has too much humor, likability and toy memories for adults for it to get a thumbs down. The flick works for both kids and adults.

Although I tend to see approximately four movies per year in the theater and Sophie has only seen one in her life, we are obvious choices to replace Siskel & Ebert, whose TV partnership ran from 1986 to 1999.

Gene Siskel passed away in 1999, and movie reviews never were the same since. Roger Ebert then teamed with a sycophant named Richard Roeper, and that guy appeared bought off by the movie studios and/or an ignoramus. Sadly, Ebert now has battled thyroid cancer and has lost his voice. He remains an American treasure, even though he is in the twilight of his life.

Enter "Sophie & Daddy."The only negative to Sophie and my film-reviewing partnership is that we will only be able to review kids movies for many years. It likely will take us a decade to get to rated R films.

Below is a video of "Siskel & Ebert" outtakes that is arguably the funniest video on the Snooze Button Generation. I couldn't believe what I was seeing with this video and laughed heartily. Enjoy!

True leaders grow whiskers

Chester A. Arthur has been named the greatest U.S. president of all-time because of his facial hair, the Snooze Button Generation announced today.

Of the 44 presidents, only 10 had facial hair. The last to have any was William Howard Taft, who donned a mustache and served from 1909 to 1913. (Editor's note: This does not count the mutton chops of John Quincy Adams or Martin Van Buren because the chops have been ruled part of the head.)

So, that's right. The country has gone 97 years without a leader with whiskers. No wonder we're in a recession! How about growing a Fu Manchu, Mr. Obama?

Of the 44 presidents, only five had beards, and all of the facial hair happened from Abraham Lincoln's presidency until Taft's. So from 1861 to 1913, 10 of 12 presidents had facial hair. Yowsers!Now, here is where the Snooze Button Generation goes beyond mere fact reporting and can explain all that facial hair. Not only is it cool and stylish, but it is in reaction to James Buchanan's presidency.

Lincoln's presidency followed Buchanan's, and Buchanan was the only president who was a bachelor. Many say Buchanan was gay. He lived with another dude for 15 years, and Andrew Jackson referred to that dude as "Miss Nancy" and "Aunt Fancy." Tennessee Gov. Aaron V. Brown called the duo "Buchanan and his wife."

As we all know, presidents are extremely homophobic, and 10 of the following 12 after Buchanan felt the need to sport some facial hair in order to let the world know they were straight. Ironically, many looked like what is termed "a bear" in the gay community, similar to when an overweight Al Gore had his beard.

Bindis: The perfect male accessory

Whenever my cousin Steve, AKA "The World's Most Sophisticated Man," visits, I learn a lot about myself and life in general. During his past trip, though, we had been cursed by a shiny head, and that made learning more difficult.

Alas, I still learned, and my biggest lesson was how spiritually advanced children are. As time progresses, adults may lose their spirituality whereas children have theirs intact.

How do I know this? Well, my daughters loved the bindis we wore. Many say bindis are simply decorative and do not necessarily signify spiritual awareness. I say poppycock to that idea because of how much my daughters liked them. My cousin and I are extremely spiritually advanced.Because of a lack of bindis at my supermarket and Target, we made our own, often by using decals, such as the free stickers found on bananas. This is a critical fashion tip for men, who tend to under-accessorize. Bindis - they're the perfect male accessory.

Many celebrities, such as Madonna, Gwen Stefani and Julia Roberts, have strutted their spiritual awareness by wearing bindis. I am baffled that they wore actual bindis instead of stickers and/or artwork made by daughters.Because Steve and I are considered trend setters, I am certain that bindis will be coming back as a part of American style and not just be an Indian thing. Just like we wear slacks, we will be wearing bindis - or banana stickers.

The Incredible Hulk pants

As one gets older, the years bring perspective to nuances from childhood that perhaps were not understood at the time. Perhaps the years bring wisdom or insight.

Silly me, though. I thought that extra years to my life could help me explain the Incredible Hulk's pants. But, sadly, the years haven't helped.

I totally buy the idea that a scientist named Bruce Banner can get so pissed off that he turns green and into an exaggerated muscleman. But why in the world does his shirt rip to shreds and his pants transform to nicely fitted shorts? I am pretty sure this is either nonsensical and/or a conspiracy.

A cynic might say that one must suspend disbelief in a superhero story, but I say reality still has to be taken into account and the clamdiggers must be explained. The Incredible Hulk has had many forms on TV and the silver screen throughout the past 30 years. Unfortunately, when I watch any of them, I cannot get past the oddity of the Hulk pants and continually ask those around me why and how the pants can possibly turn into perfect shorts and typically change color as well.

I am not saying Hulk pants are not stylish. This just may be the most baffling thing I've ever encountered.

'The Lady' celebrates first anniversary

A little more than one year ago, this website showed the hidden hipster side of Smokey Bear in a celebrity interview. Not only did the interview anger Smokey himself, but it also probably riled his likely former love interest - actress Chloe Sevigny.

That celebrity interview was significant because it kicked off this website. Since then, Snooze Button Generation readers have been increasing, and hopefully visitors have been enjoying this blog.

Although the SBG did not want to make a big deal of its one-year anniversary, professional singer Kenny Rogers paid tribute to the blog (see video below) by singing and mysteriously referred to this blog as "The Lady."
Snooze Button Generation founder and CEO Joe Stevens took time out of his busy schedule to write an open letter to SBG readers on this momentous occasion:

Dear SBG readers:

I want to thank you for enjoying the blog I've been writing for the past year. I think I'm onto something with this Snooze Button Generation thing. After the Baby Boomers, some people say Generation X arrived. I find that lame. It's the Snooze Button Generation!

I plan on continuing blogging this next year, maybe less posts but more important ones. I also hope to respond more to comments on Facebook. As for the content, expect a mixture of my personal tales and quirks from SBG pop culture.

The one thing I did not expect from this blog is the outpouring of celebrity support. The fact that Kenny Rogers sang a tribute to the SBG without me knowing is completely shocking. I thank Mr. Rogers for his support.

Brady Bunch curse hits Long Beach

I cannot explain why this fact is so, but through my anecdotal research, I have discovered that nearly all of the Snooze Button Generation remembers "The Brady Bunch" episodes in Hawaii.

I was not an avid "The Brady Bunch" watcher, and, like most members of the SBG, only saw "The Brady Bunch" on reruns. But, man, that show where the kids discover a cursed talisman was memorable. I do not believe in cursed talismans, or idols, or anything of that nature, but that Brady clan was m-f-ing cursed in Hawaii.

This is all coming to light because I, too, have been cursed item by a relic - a Buddha head. My cousin Steve and I found a wonderful Buddha head, and since its purchase, bad karma has followed me, just like bad waves followed Greg Brady in Hawaii.Where did we discover this cursed relic? Well, we bought it at an exotic store called Ross Dress for Less.

How could such a rare, and unfortunately cursed item, be at Ross Dress for Less? Well, those gods are pretty darn tricky when passing out their curses.

Since obtaining the head, the following three things have happened that made me realize it is cursed: 1) The city of Long Beach refused to take away my neighbors trash on his tree lawn unless the trash is bounded. The neighbor cannot do that because he is an octogenarian, vaguely mute and probably doesn't want to risk soiling his beige Member's Only jacket. I likely will take care of that garbage in a day or two.

2) The Salvation Army refused to take away a sofa in which I tried to donate. I really didn't know the Army was so picky. I loved the couch for the past two years.3) I got sick at a party at my house, despite having just one drink. I had to miss most of the party due to a very bad tummy, fever and sleep. That was a bummer, and my tummy still is recovering.

Now, some people might say these three things do not necessarily mean I am in the possession of a cursed relic and are mere coincidences. Obviously, those people need to read more and are fool-hearty, believing the gods can't zap them at strip malls.

Shakespeare's grave situation

As a self-described writer and English teacher, I felt it would be beneficial to visit Stratford-upon-Avon when I was in England. That place is famous for only one reason. It's where William Shakespeare was born, lived and died.

A high percentage of the town is devoted to the memory of "The Bard," and I felt I was in the midst of one of his tragedies when I was there. At first, my emotions ran high when I stumbled across his birthplace (see above photo).

"Aww, how cute," I thought. "Baby Shakespeare cooing in iambic pentameter!"

Then, things took an unexpected turn when I bumped into Shakespeare's grave. As I entered an ornate Church, I saw a large arrow that pronounced: "SHAKESPEARE'S GRAVE THIS WAY."

When I followed the arrow, I met a man who said loudly, "IT WILL BE ONE POUND, FIFTY TO SEE SHAKESPEARE'S GRAVE!"

I paid the fee, and the man yelled, "SHAKESPEARE'S GRAVE IS TO YOUR LEFT. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO TAKE PHOTOGRAPHS AS YOU VISIT THE BARD'S RESTING PLACE. THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATRONAGE!"I never felt less in a Church than I did at Shakespeare's grave because of the screaming man. Crowds hovered around The Bard's grave until I finally had a moment to ponder what it truly meant to be so close to Shakespeare's skeleton.Later, I saw a play called "The Winter's Tale" performed by the Royal Shakespeare Company, which boasts Ian McKellen, Judi Dench, Kenneth Branagh and Ralph Fiennes as alumni.

Snooze Button Generation review: The production and acting from the Royal Shakespeare Company were superb. The company did nothing wrong and put on an excellent and memorable production.

If there were any problem, it was with Shakespeare antiquated dialogue. Granted, he wrote "The Winter's Tale" around 1600, and his words may be poetic. But I question a 15-minute soliloquy when the point this: "Dang, I think that ho cheated on me."

The Snooze Button Generation, Euro-style

After spending 12 days in England, I have returned reinvigorated, planning to live a little more "Euro." If that means drinking espresso, riding trains and visiting castles, so be it.

I met several interesting chaps in Britain, and some are so polite that they will engage in conversations about the Snooze Button Generation, which applies to Europe but is a bit different. For example, the English SBG folks I ran across did not know Lloyd Dobler, but they had firm memories of "The Breakfast Club."

My English SBG brethren absolutely knew and experienced Atari. But one confessed: "I actually had Spectrum."

Apparently, Spectrum was huge in England and similar to the Commodore 64, which also was popular in England in the '80s. My English pals had no idea what Intellivision was.Of course, England has a much longer and richer tradition than the United States, but English folks of the SBG still have nostalgia to their childhoods and its quirks.

With such a rich tradition, for some reason, I kept having these thoughts: "How many people does it take to clean this castle?" and "How long does it take to mow this lawn?" It seems rare to see people cleaning castles, but when it happens, it is glorious.

Ms. Pac-Man: A perfect metaphor for life

Ms. Pac-Man is a perfect metaphor for life: You got to keep running and make sure not to be consumed by ghosts.

For me, personally, I tend not to feel an imminent threat of being eaten by ghosts. But I suppose some of my peers do, and, thus, Ms. Pac-Man's premise may be deeper than it appears.

This comes up now because in my attempt to teach my children cultural awareness - AKA, video games from the '80s - Ms. Pac-Man has become the game we enjoy the most. The big games from the '80s can be found online, and I have been played a handful of them with Lady Pac-Man being the most fulfilling.

Am I making a feminist statement, preferring Ms. Pac-Man to Pac-Man? Of course.

Apparently, a lot of Pac-Man theory exists on the Web, and I find most of the tips silly. I did, however, learn that Pac-Man will stop after 255 levels and then look like the following:On the Ms. Pac-Man I have been playing, I have cleared 14 levels, which includes a final level of keys in which the ghosts do not turn blue at all. I have cleared one "Keyboard" level but have not gotten past "Keyboard II."

I must admit that I am a casual Pac-Man player. I play for a few weeks every 15 years or so.

Through my Internet research, I was amazed to realize that Pac-Man celebrated its 30th year of existence in May and Ms. Pac-Man will do the same next year. I also discovered in the bottom video at about 1:10 that Ms. Pac-Man can trap herself in a maze. My feminist statement continues.

Twirling meat is coming home

I am a big fan of self-improvement. "That which does not grow is dead," I say. So I keep trying to grow in various ways in an attempt to improve my life and the lives of those around me.

Cuisine, AKA cooking, is one way in which I am trying to improve. Upon a lot of reflection, I realize the best way I can do this is to purchase a lamb-filled spit, install it in my home and have gyros available at all times.

At first, I thought some slight adjustments to my cooking - new recipes, different spices, fresh combinations - might be in order. But all that subtle mumbo jumbo could not possibly offer me and my neighborhood constant gyros.

Why is it is so rare to see other meat on an enormous spit? Well, obviously, other meat remains technologically unadvanced while lamb meat has boldly entered the 21st century.Of course, a skeptic might say that a twirling spit of succulent lamb meat at home is impractical. Well, those skeptics always have a way of seeing the negative. Hopefully, I will soon have a gyro spit in my kitchen, and I will be carving my way to true happiness.

LeBron, go **** yourself

According to the Kubler-Ross model of grief, humans go through five emotions when faced with a loss. They go through denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

As an avid Cleveland sports fan, I am stuck in the anger stage when it comes to the mentally deficient and morally depraved LeBron James - a self-made villain.

I don't mean to swear, but LeBron, go **** yourself!

I have witnessed some stupidity in my lifetime and a lot of Cleveland sports grief, but the manner in which LeBron pulled his exit to Miami shows how evil and stupid he is. If you are going to have an hour special announcing your exit, you had better have a better message than "winning is everything" or "f you, Cleveland."

My fellow sports fans in Cleveland agree. People who understand that "winning is everything" is not the biggest message in life also get it. LeBron does not.

He needs to move out of the Cleveland area. He is not wanted there, and he is not good enough for us. Character is more important than hoops.

P.S. - The Snooze Button Generation is on vacation and likely will take a bunch of days off from posting. But the Generation felt necessary to vent a bit after hearing this horrible news about James.

Casper: A kid who didn't make it

Ten years ago this week, Justin Pierce was found dead, hanging in his room in the Bellagio in Las Vegas.

Pierce was 25 and was not that famous, but perhaps known for his portrayal of Casper in the 1995 film "Kids." I honestly did not realize he was dead until I wondered what ever happened to the kids in Kids and did some Internet research.

Chloe Sevigny, who had an odd alleged love affair chronicled in this blog, and Rosario Dawson are the only two actors who did much after "Kids." And Casper ... well, he died five years later.When it came out, "Kids" was a bit controversial and had the rare NC-17 rating. The film showed teens and preteens stealing 40-ounce beers, drinking, smoking weed, fighting, having sex and getting AIDS. I guess there are a lot of similarities between "Kids" and MTV's "Jersey Shore."

I could have sworn the song "Psycho Dwarf" by the Beatnuts was in "Kids," but according to my Internet research, it was not. Really? Hmm. If that song is taken to extremes, the person likely will end up dead - perhaps like Casper.

I really wasn't offended by "Kids," although I was 22 and living in Washington Square Village when it was released. It must be remembered that the film, written by Harmony Korine and directed by Larry Clark, is fiction, although it has a semi-faux documentary feel.

Sophie creates buzz in art world

A 5-year-old girl from Long Beach, Calif., is making an impact in the art world and could create bidding wars for her innovative art, the Snooze Button Generation has learned from a source.

Sophie Stevens, 5, has been dabbling in realism, abstract impressionism and surrealism since she was 2 and has developed some fans. She creates her art in mostly marker on paper but does not shy away from other less-conventional materials, including cotton balls, straws, seashells and grocery-store stickers."Look, I'm not going to comment on Sophie's artwork," Snooze Button Generation founder and CEO Joe Stevens said. "She's my daughter, and drawing and coloring are part of her development. I don't want to put any pressure on her to be some sort of world-class artist. I want her drawing to be completely healthy."

An obvious comparison to Sophie is "child prodigy" Marla Olmstead, the subject of the 2007 documentary "My Kid Could Paint That." Olmstead obtained international media attention by age 4, and her work has sold for more than $300,000.

Sophie refuses to sell any of her artwork, but she says she will take work on commission.Sources also say that Sophie's younger sister, Chloe, is making an impact in the world of performance art. Chloe, who turns 3 tomorrow, did a seminal performance in March that involved a bubble machine and bicycle helmet.

Horsey Sauce: The King of Fast-food Packets

No matter how hard I crunch the numbers, it looks impossible to get rich by saving ketchup packets.

Let's say you are an avid ketchup user and use 10 bottles per year that cost $1.99. If you hoard ketchup packets from fast-food places, then - voila! - an annual savings of $19.90 will come your way. ... Jackpot!

But not so fast. Fast food has its own cost. And chances are, you likely will have a ketchup bottle on hand in case company comes over. Why not keep one ketchup bottle and constantly squeeze the packets into it? The hoity-toity company would never know!

However, if that plan happens, I suspect you would have a reaction while squeezing the packets into the bottle, similar to how a hitman must react as he dismembers a body. "What a minute! What the heck am I doing here? Is this really worth it?"

Ketchup packets are on my mind because I recently went to Arby's and had roast beef sandwiches. I rediscovered this fact of life: Horsey Sauce packets are the best fast-food condiments in the world.Where would the roast beef sandwich be without Horsey Sauce? I simply would not eat it without that glorious white sauce.

Yet here's the problem that keeps me up and night, pacing and nervous: Why doesn't Horsey Sauce work on any other food except Arby's roast beef sandwiches? Man, that is a riddle I simply cannot solve.I seriously can think of no better condiment in a packet than Horsey Sauce. I do respect Taco Bell for attempting to be funny with the sayings it puts on its hot-sauce packets. Unfortunately, I have never laughed because of the Taco Bell packets.