Fantasy world becomes reality

Editor’s Note: Prominent SBG enthusiast Fred “XMan” Stevens unexpectedly passed away on Feb. 16, 2011. He is profoundly missed. The following type of blog entry is part of a periodic SBG series called “From the XMan Chronicles” that will recount tales involving the XMan.

From the XMan Chronicles:

For the past couple of years, my father, cousin (who is like a brother) and I have played fantasy golf. Before that sentence immediately stops any reasonable person from reading, please keep in mind that actual money is exchanged in fantasy golf.

This year, 70 players ponied up a $50 entrance fee with additional side bets to create a total kitty of $5,200. Basically, how the fantasy-golf pool works is that you pick a golfer each week and you get his prize money, but you can't pick the same player twice. This year presented a strange fantasy-golf dynamic, though, because my dad unexpectedly passed away in February.

When that happened, I vowed to study fantasy golf as much as humanly possible to somehow win the pool in remembrance of my father. And get a load of this:

It worked. Today was the final day of fantasy golf, and I held on to win $1,300 for the overall crown and an additional $350 from other side bets. I've never won that much in anything.

But it wasn't about the money. It was about my dad.Throughout the day, I was stressing if I could win the pool because a top competitor had Luke Donald, who missed being in a playoff by a mere stroke. As I was stressing, a big problem was that I went to a 6-year-old's birthday party and did not watch the golf or see many updates.

Eventually, the news came via a text message that the final result was too close to call and I'd have to see the PGA Tour's prize-money distribution to see if I won. After that news, I walked back to the party and participated in a game of water-balloon toss with my 4-year-old Chloe.

During the balloon toss, I had an array of thoughts that nearly made me weep. Would XMan be proud of my fantasy-golf obsession? Could I somehow pay someone $100,000 for five minutes with him? Why isn't balloon toss at all parties?

Playing balloon toss with a loved one is a beautiful thing, enjoyable and pure. Could anything be better?

Strange things happened today to make me wonder if fantasy-golf spirituality exists. It ended up that the final result was too close to call because the person on my heels was the son of the golf pool's founder. The actual winner of the PGA tournament was Bill Haas, the son of famous golfer Jay Haas.

Today was all about fathers and sons, fantasy golf and balloon toss. Simultaneously to this, my brother Fred did his best Roy Hobbs imitation to hit three home runs in a softball doubleheader, and the lowly Cleveland Browns improved to 2-1 to have their first winning record in four years.

What would the XMan say about all of this? Well, that's pretty obvious. He'd simply say, "You got to be kidding me. It's all luck."

Who is the Tapatio man?

Does God exist? Is there life beyond our solar system? Why do humans exist?

All of those questions are simple to answer, but I've been struggling with a more serious question for quite some time: Who is the Tapatio man?

Through intense anecdotal evidence, I have discovered that Tapatio is the most common hot sauce. Often when I ask, "Can I have hot sauce?" Tapatio is delivered. Yet even with omnipotent Tapatio, no one knows the back story to the Tapatio man.

Seriously, the Tapatio man's story should exist somewhere. He's selling out more and more each day, and he's going mainstream. This year, Tapatio-flavored Doritos, Ruffles and Fritos even hit the market.I would like to think that he created his magical sauce when he realized that life needs a little spice. He then aptly mixed water, red peppers, salt, spices, garlic, acetic acid, xanthan gum and sodium benzoate and concocted a glorious flavor. But I have no proof that's what happened.

Was he a cowboy? A ladies' man? Was he a plain-food eater converted into a spicy-food lover? I do not know. The Tapatio website doesn't really help.

I guess some mysteries can never be answered. The Tapatio man remains intriguing and mysterious. Perhaps the xanthan gum is his secret ingredient.

Polack becomes wine guru

I asked myself a critical question last weekend: "Can a normal human being become a wine connoisseur in a mere weekend?"

Well, the answer is "no." But when the human being is me - a Polack from Cleveland - and when the weekend is Labor Day weekend, it is possible. And, yes, I now am a wine connoisseur.

Accompanied by a stunning and sophisticated lady, I toured Santa Barbara Wine Country and partook in 16 - yes, 16 - wineries or tasting rooms. For those familiar with this wine country, I toured Firestone, Zaca Mesa, Foxen, Tres Hermanas, Kenneth Volk, Cambria, Stolpman, Rusack, Beckman, Gainey, Somasara, Piedrasassi, Palmina, Flying Goat, Longoria and Ampelos.

The final six in the above list were in the Lompoc Wine Ghetto, which is in an industrial park. I liked those the best.

During this wine-crazed weekend, I tasted 105 (this is no exaggeration) wines. Is that possible, you might ask? Well, it happened. Of those 105, I tasted 96 of them and actually drank nine of them.Obviously, wine tastings are ridiculously detailed. If someone put as much focus in any other drink or food item, such as having a "soft drink tasting," everyone would laugh. Perspective can often be lost during wine tastings, and they can be hilarious.

At the Palmina wine room, for example, the guy pouring the wine verbally assaulted my sophisticated lady friend when she washed out her glass with water. "Don't you understand you just messed up the pH balance?" he said aghast as he rolled his eyes.

A few moments later, I asked him, "What is your stance on ice cubs in reds? Yeah or nay?"

Up until this past weekend, the most information I ever got on wine was when I saw the 2004 documentary "Wine for the Confused" with John Cleese. I loved the movie. It proved that nearly all serious wine drinkers could not tell the difference between a white or red wine when blindfolded and that serious wine drinkers also could not tell the difference between expensive or inexpensive wines.

In Santa Barbara, I did discover that I like lighter and smooth red wines, typically Pinot Noirs, and that I like white wines that are not quite as dry as Chardonnays, but not quite as fruity as typical Pinot Grigios. I like something in between those two.

Am I a pretentious wine snob now? No, I am not. But I can pretend to be.

1-800-JOKE-MAN

Michael Scott, AKA my brother Fred, is officially off the market as he married his longtime girlfriend Judi on Saturday.

I had observed last year that Fred had developed strikingly similar characteristics as the lead character in "The Office." During the recent week I spent in Cleveland, I learned that most everyone who knows him feels the same thing. He accepts this fact, and as he and Judi were introduced at their wedding reception in Westlake, Ohio, the theme song from "The Office" played in the background.

My daughters and I truly enjoyed our week in Cleveland, and the wedding ceremony and reception were a good climax to a fun-filled week. I am a big fan of marriage, and believe when in doubt, people should get married. Nowadays, the convention is to get married later in life, but I believe marriages should start precisely at age 18.

In all seriousness, Fred and Judi are excellent friends and mates. There is no doubt with the impending success of their union. Now that I think of it, they've actually been together for 91 years.The only questionable thing that happened with the marriage is that the day after the wedding, my brother had appeared to morph from Michael Scott to Rich Little.

The problem there was that he didn't do any impressions, but he had the same corny humor as Little. This manifested itself in 1-800-JOKES. Someone asked about a longtime friend who apparently sleeps around a lot, and Fred/Rich Little said, "Well, it's really easy to reach her ... if you call 1-800-SLUT."

For the rest of the conversation, he supplied answers with all 1-800-REPLIES. My cousin, apply nicnamed "Know-It-All," informed him that 1-800 numbers typically have seven digits after the 800. My brother then did simple math in his head to give us 1-800-ANSWERS with the proper digits.

I am Earl Woods

I am Earl Woods.

For the past four days, I have played miniature golf with my eldest daughter, Sophie, three times and have gone to a driving range and putting green. Is this parenting gone wild? I am not sure. I am Earl Woods.

It seems rare that parents and children have the same addiction. With heroin, for example, it seems uncommon that parents and kids share needles and are equally addicted. With this miniature golf, though, we both are addicted.

For the first two days, we played Golf 'N' Stuff in Norwalk, Calif., then Boomers in Fountain Valley, Calif. Each time we played, we played 36 holes. So Sophie and I played the equivalent of a golf tournament over two days.

The total par was 212. Sophie shot 73-72-70-83 for 298, and I shot 51-47-46-46 for 190 or 22-under. Yes, you read that correctly. I am reporting my putt-putt scores and am proud of them. Actually, I'm more proud because Sophie and I have found an awesome activity that we both love.

"I like it so much because there are obstacles, and it's crazier than regular golf," Sophie, 6, said.Today, we played 36 holes at Mulligan Family Fun Center in Torrance, Calif. Sophie shot 65-67, while I shot 51-45 on the par-54 courses. She is showing improvement, while I am playing the same. Also, she had the only hole-in-one of the day, bringing her lifetime holes-in-one to three.

Obviously, the similarities abound between Sophie and me with Tiger and Earl Woods. One difference, though, is the starting age for golf. Tiger Woods made an appearance with his dad on "The Mike Douglas Show" when he was 2 to show off his golf skills. Sophie has not even heard of "The Mike Douglas Show."

Men's medallions: Difficult to obtain

I am a big fan of men's jewelry, or "man-jewelry," as I term it.

My theory is that jewelry is meant to decorate what is beautiful. And why can't a gentleman be beautiful? Now, the only problem with this theory is that years of conditioning that "man-jewelry" is for girlie men can't get me to wear much more than a wristwatch.

A while back, I vowed to wear more "man-jewelry." In fact, one of my New Year's resolutions was to obtain a medallion. But darn it, I recently found myself in August without adorning a medallion.

During a recent trip to Melrose Avenue in Los Angeles, I went on a medallion-searching spree, and I was semi-successful: I found a glorious medallion - a silver-laden shiny microphone medallion.Life is strange. I was shocked when the asking price for such a medallion was $185.

Man, I was at a crossroads. The $185 price tag seemed too high, but I really wanted the medallion. So I tried my best haggling skills to get a reasonable price.

After various negotiations, the storekeeper announced, "Listen. I can go $55. But that's it."

I said, "Hey, look, this microphone medallion is kind of a joke. Paying that much is far too high and could kill the joke. My max here is $20."

Alas, I do not have the microphone medallion in my possession. It certainly would have been a nice addition to my wardrobe, but I also am a bit happy because if I started wearing a medallion, perhaps there would be a slippery slope and I'd soon be adorning man-jewelry like Liberace and/or Mr. T.

XMan loosely connected to Ghoulardi

Editor’s Note: Prominent SBG enthusiast Fred “XMan” Stevens unexpectedly passed away on Feb. 16, 2011. He is profoundly missed. The following type of blog entry is part of a periodic SBG series called “From the XMan Chronicles” that will recount tales involving the XMan.

From the XMan Chronicles:

As a child of Cleveland, I have heard many tales of Ghoulardi. He was the host of a Friday night show called "Shock Theater" that aired locally from 1963 to 1966.

Ghoulardi made his mark in Cleveland, big time. Clevelanders of a certain era all know him, and Drew Carey even wore T-shirts of him on his show.

Apparently, Ghoulardi was extremely irreverent, candid and often made fun of Parma, Ohio. If Cleveland is the armpit of America, Parma is what Clevelanders make fun of.

But here is where this Snooze Button Generation masterpiece takes a turn. You see, both Anne and Fred Stevens knew Ghoulardi very well. So much so, that they both knew that he was the father of Paul Thomas Anderson, the popular film director of "Boogie Nights," "Magnolia" and "There Will Be Blood."

Obviously, PT Anderson peaked with "Boogie Nights" and "Magnolia" and will never again achieve the cinematic effect he did with those glorious films. I don't mean to put his other work down, but those two movies are awesome. He is quite an accomplished director. He is only three years older than me, and he directed those films while I was concluding graduate school in New York and was starting to work at the obscure Long Beach Press-Telegram.

Anyway, I rarely see movies in the theater. But in 1999, I did see "Magnolia" with the XMan and my mom at Marina Pacifica in Long Beach, Calif.

I cannot exactly put into words our movie reviews. Obviously, we thought the Tom Cruise character was exceptional. Overall, we liked the film.

My mom knew in advance that the Jason Robards character was based on Ghoulardi, who died in 1997 of cancer. PT Anderson watched his dad, Ghoulardi, wither away from cancer and then die. I never saw that happen to the XMan.Perhaps all death situations are different, but strangely, I feel some sort of affinity, or connection, to PT Anderson and Ghoulardi and me and the XMan.

The XMan and I also were cool enough in 1999 to realize that a singalong to Aimee Mann's "Wise Up" was totally appropriate and good.

Good God, "Wise Up" is a heartfelt, beautiful song. The beginning lyrics are totally applicable to mourning and life: "It's not what you thought when you first began it. You got what you want. Now you can hardly stand it, though, by now, you know, it's not going to stop."

Dwan gets props on birthday

Tom "Durrrr" Dwan has been named the "Most Interesting Poker Player to Watch on TV" by the Snooze Button Generation today, which coincides with Dwan's 25th birthday.

"To anyone who watches poker, this is not much of a surprise," Snooze Button CEO and founder Joe Stevens said. "But I felt it was necessary to give Durrrr some props. His play can be out of the ordinary and, as he might say, sick."

Arguably, the worst aspect of the United States is its decision in April to outlaw online poker for real money. While that decision allowed Stevens, and many other Americans, the chance to have a better quality of life, it left many jonesing for poker action. Some even watched more poker on TV.

"High Stakes Poker" on the Game Show Network is the most interesting poker show, not counting rare poker shows that have games other than no-limit Texas hold 'em. This past year, "High Stakes Poker" replaced Gabe Kaplan as its host with Norm MacDonald. Although Norm may be one of the top five living comedians, Kaplan explains poker way better.Another problem with the most recent season of "High Stakes Poker" was that its participants weren't too interesting with only Daniel Negreanu, Antonio Esfandiari, Phil Laak and Johnny Chan as the only elite TV pros on the show. Durrrr didn't even play.

Not too long ago on "High Stakes Poker," one table featured Durrrr, Negreanu, Esfandiari, Phil Hellmuth, Phil Ivey and Gus Hansen. Holy mackerel, man, those are probably the six most intriguing poker stars alive. Add Laak and Mike Matusow to the table, and it would be the top eight TV poker players of all-time, according to the SBG.

Anyway, yeah, Durrrr (which is/was his Internet poker name) makes so many unconventional moves that he is the SBG's "Most Interesting Poker Player to Watch on TV," although in the poker world he may be overexposed. He rose to stardom through online games, but when he hit TV, he became an even bigger star because of his personality and wild plays.

Funny, to many people, Durrrr is like Kobe Bryant or Alex Rodriguez or Peyton Manning. People aspire to be this guy, but, good luck, there may be better odds being an NFL (there are approximately 100 of them each year) than a poker player that is a household name.
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Green flash stirs debate

If anyone ever talks about something I've never heard of, I find it best to nod in agreement and pretend to fully understand the conversation. After this compliance, and inner bafflement, I utter a vague phrase such as, "Well, we shall see what the future holds!" or "Wow, that's some interesting stuff!"

One obvious time this happened was on a vacation in Hawaii when numerous tourists yammered about seeing a green flash at the end of a sunset. I stared at the sun, watched it go down, and then all of these people said, "Ooh, there it is!" and "It's so beautiful!"

I saw nothing, but played along by saying, "My Lord, that was soooo green."

As I thought more about the green flash, the more I realized I might have been right. It may not exist, and if it does, it happens so fast, that it hardly exists. Or maybe the green flash is like some theories about God or Santa Claus. It exists, but only if you believe it exists.

Ultimately, the green flash is tantamount to the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot and G-Spot. The debate will go on for centuries about if they actually exist.A handful of various products take their names from the mysterious green flash. There's a Green Flash Brewing Company in San Diego, and in 2008, a movie titled "Green Flash" came out.

Based on its box-office draw, it also is debatable whether the movie "Green Flash" actually existed.

Sophisticated man questions identity

Who am I?

Perhaps we've all struggled with those three simple words.

I argue that we are all chameleons. We change, moment to moment, based on the situation. We are customers, drivers, brothers, friends, Chewbacca collectors, gentlemen or bartenders -- depending on the situation.

Questions about identity have been bouncing around the United States because one of the closest people to me recently questioned his own identity. He said, "Listen. I am not the World's Most Sophisticated Man. I'm not even that sophisticated!"

During my cousin Steve's 12-day stay in California that concluded yesterday, we enjoyed life through various ways, including art shows, cocktail parties and galavanting around Southern California. The only disagreement we had came up when a friend properly introduced him to someone as the World's Most Sophisticated Man.

The person who just met Steve said, "Wow. You're the World's Most Sophisticated Man. Really? What is your favorite wine?"

Steve replied, "I don't drink wine. Actually, I don't really drink, except for an occasional beer. I like to have a clear head in the morning. You know, I'm not really that sophisticated!"This is where Steve and I differ. While he stayed in Southern California, Steve coordinated art shows, helped maintain public gardens and entertained my daughters. He also promoted constant fun and was an all-around breath of fresh.

At one point, after much discussion, he made me realize that he, in fact, may be the World's Most Reliable Man. Now, I don't exactly have a thesaurus handy, but to me, that makes him the World's Most Sophisticated Man.

Carmageddon causes reflection

Even though I haven't had to use my generator, crack into one of my 8,000 canned goods or fire off any ammunition, I somehow survived Carmageddon.

I was pretty sure the closure of part of the 405 Freeway in Los Angeles this weekend - universally known as Carmageddon - would not only mean death to the Southland, but the end of the continental United States, Mexico and Canada. With so many people surviving, I guess I'll have to take all of my Y2K supplies back outside to my Unabomber shed. Oh well.

But, seriously, I was sort of hoping people might reflect on modern-day living and our ridiculous dependence on the automobile. Yeah, that didn't really happen, but at least I reflected - mostly on the word "Armageddon" and rock band Def Leppard.

Def Leppard has a rock anthem titled "Armageddon It," and in the song, these lyrics exist: "Are you gettin' it? Armageddon It. Really getting it? Armageddon it."

Even though the song came out in 1987, I still chuckle at its ridiculousness. The lyrics are so cryptic, there is an outside chance the song was ahead of its time and actually is about this weekend's Carmageddon.Another brilliant aspect of Def Leppard is that its drummer, Rick Allen, has only one arm. Through extensive Internet research, I have discovered that he joined Def Leppard when he was 15 and lost his arm in a car accident on New Year's Eve 1984, when he was 21.

I imagine Rick Allen is an inspiration for many drummers with disabilities. He somehow should be the poster boy for Carmageddon.

The Dewtini: Far from facetious

In my ongoing quest to be a bon vivant, Renaissance man and avant-garde mixologist, I have discovered a cocktail that refreshes and oozes class. It's the Dewtini (TM).

Inspired by the XMan, who often imbibed Mountain Dew with vodka, the Dewtini combines Mountain Dew and vodka in a martini glass with a fancy cocktail umbrella. It must be shaken, not stirred.

At a recent party featuring many Long Beach, Calif., elite, a handful of individuals recognized the Dewtini as a tasty treat. For me, the Dewtini has become my summer drink of choice, replacing sangria (2010) and siete tres (2009).

The Dewtini is a bit like a mullet or tuxedo T-shirt. Because it is served in a martini glass, it is classy. That is the case with the business-like mullet in the front and the formality of a tuxedo T-shirt. But because the Dewtini also features a popular soft drink, it says "I like to party," just like the mullet or tuxedo T-shirt.Some might wonder if the Dewtini truly is a magnificent cocktail or merely a fad. Well, Mountain Dew is high in caffeine, and vodka is high in liquor content. Therefore, it is sort of like the popular Red Bull/vodka, which has been around about as long as the Old Fashioned, which was referenced in the May 6, 1806, issue of The Balance and Columbia Repository in Hudson, New York.

Another impressive component of the Dewtini is that its signature ingredient, Mountain Dew, uses all the vowels just once, such as the actress Julia Roberts, hockey goalie Martin Brodeur and earth-friendly sequoias. It's a far cry from the word "facetious," though, which has all the vowels in order.

Chloe Stevens has a ball

Today is a momentous day in the Stevens family because of the symbolic exchanging of softballs.

Chloe Stevens also turns 4 today, and I am welcoming her to the time when, according to my Internet research, memories can stay with you forever. I now am making important points to Chloe by staring at her eyes and slowly saying, "Believe me. You will remember this for the rest of your life."

In the Stevens family, we welcome someone to age 4 with the giving of softballs and the terse message: "To ________, happy fourth birthday. Love, _______." I received a similar ball from my grandfather, Edward "Coach" Stevens, and on Sophie Stevens' fourth birthday, the XMan gave her a softball.As most Stevenses do, Chloe reacted to her softball gift with indifference followed by strained politeness. She preferred a package from Grandma that contained books, coloring books, temporary tattoos, four My Little Ponies, a dress, princess hair set, golf glove, symbolic golf ball, cash, airplane tickets to Sweden and a four-carat diamond necklace (only the final two items were exaggerated).

It will likely take Chloe 13 more years to truly appreciate her symbolic softball. But one day, she will.

L.A. Zoo dazzles with bird show

Editor’s Note: Prominent SBG enthusiast Fred “XMan” Stevens unexpectedly passed away on Feb. 16, 2011. He is profoundly missed. The following type of blog entry begins a periodic SBG series called “From the XMan Chronicles” that will recount tales involving the XMan.

From the XMan Chronicles:

Back in early 2007, Sophie Stevens was finding herself as a toddler. Chloe Stevens hadn't been born, and the XMan and my mom figured it would be nice to visit the classy Los Angeles Zoo.

Anyone who knows the L.A. Zoo understands that it's a discount zoo. The San Diego Zoo reigns supreme as a tourist destination in California, and the L.A. Zoo is an afterthought. But what the L.A. Zoo doesn't have in resources, it makes up with frequent protests from animal-rights groups, debris on the premises and quaint cages.

The L.A. Zoo also has a bird show that the XMan absolutely loved.

The L.A. Zoo bird show started with the song "Oh Yeah" by Yello as birds flew to a stage past sparsely populated bleachers. The XMan applauded furiously to this display.Another part of the show featured the song "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred with a bird strutting on stage. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the XMan shaking his head in agreement to the performance, laughing at corny, Vaudeville-like jokes and again applauding vigorously. Basically, the show was written from the point of view of a clever 5th grader in 1993.

As my mom and I realized the Xman's adoration for this show, it came to an abrupt halt when the zookeeper/speaker said, "We hope you enjoyed the show, folks. And just a reminder that many of these birds here today come from the tropical rainforest, where each year millions of acres of deforestation threaten the birds' survival. We must do our part to ensure a stable environment for these wonderful creatures."

Upon hearing that, the XMan fought back tears and then shed a few as he uttered, "Bird home. Gone. Why?"

For the rest of the day, I made fun of his bizarre tears and pointed out the flaws of many creatures' habitats until he said, "Come on. Why do you gotta make fun of me? ... And, wait a second, what did you say about the polar ice caps?"

Snooze Button CEO teams with agent

Even though I have lived in Los Angeles County for 13 years, I am not a big fan of the Hollywood system. Yeah, I run in social circles that stay outside the mainstream as my art fag friends and I create true masterpieces - and not just commercial fodder.

That is why I am conflicted with what I recently did. I got an agent.

Obviously, this move isn't only to make money. It's not fair to call me "a sellout." I just think that things happen for a reason, and so when I ran into one of Hollywood's top agents the other day at LACMA (Los Angeles County Museum of Art), I realized that sometimes commercial interests can be beneficial to one's art.

I ran into E - Eric Murphy, who is best known for being the personal manager of Hollywood superstar Vincent Chase. Previously, I had considered being represented by uber-agent Ari Gold, but I got a vibe from E that told me with him focusing on just Vincent and me that it was in everybody's best interests to come together.Here's part of the conversation that ensued between E and me:

Me: Listen, I think you do great work, and I'd be comfortable if you represented me.
E: What?
Me: Yeah, I've considered a lot of agents, but I think the personal touch you'd bring is best for me.
E: Are you serious?
Me: I am, if you are. Fist bump, baby.

We bumped fists, and, thus, E is officially representing me. After that, strangely, he said a couple cryptic phrases that baffled me, including, "You know, entourage is just a TV show, right?" I guess he has big plans to get me some sort of "entourage."

Man, I am happy I snagged that little guy.

Chewbacca collection balloons ... MMAO

The Snooze Button Generation and all its subsidiaries will remain on hiatus as SBG CEO and founder Joe Stevens continues to mourn the loss of the XMan, according to a news release.

"The entire corporation is not ready to commit to reestablishing its presence in the pantheon of pop culture," Stevens said in the release. "There might be periodic entries, but at this time, the depth of this loss prohibits us from coming back full-time. MMAO."

"MMAO" apparently is a twist on the popular text messages abbreviation "LMAO," sources said. LMAO stands for laughing my ass off, and Stevens has replaced the laughing with mourning.

When reached via phone, Stevens refused to be directly quoted for this article but sounded like his typical quirky self. He said to let his fans know he is hanging in there, although he frequently referred to the XMan's death as "a profound loss."

No silver lining exists with the XMan's unexpected death. As a side note, Stevens' Chewbacca collection has ballooned from 19 items to 41 Chewies, including a framed poster, 6-foot tall Chewy cardboard cutout and three figures that make sound."It's the best damn Chewy collection in the world, and you can quote me on that," Stevens said. "Yeah. Somehow going OCD with the Chewies is part of the mourning process for me."

Stevens says his Chewbacca collection is on hold, but he may somehow try to obtain the Chewbacca closet in the video below.

XMan's death ends blog

The Snooze Button Generation blog and all of its subsidiaries will be taking an extremely long hiatus following the untimely, unexpected and earth-shattering death of the XMan today. The XMan was 63.

"I kid around a lot on this blog, and some people might think this is some sort of twisted or cruel joke," Snooze Button Generation founder and CEO Joe Stevens said. "But this is no hoax. My dad is dead. Can you (expletive) believe this?"

The Xman was vacationing in Hilton Head, S.C., where his focus was playing golf. It appears that he had a stroke while sleeping and was found dead in the morning, but details about exactly what happened are sketchy. He also might have fallen awkwardly - and somehow, fatally - in the middle of the night. This fact has emerged, though: He shot a 40 in his final nine holes.

"I'm not going to lie," Joe Stevens said. "All of this news is surreal to me. This hasn't sunk in. I spent the day pacing. My body doesn't know what to do with itself. Is this really happening?"Anyone who knows the SBG founder well knows the tight relationship he held with the XMan. Hell, anyone who knew the XMan knew how cool he was.

The Stevens family is simply in shock. This came out of nowhere.

Stevens will be traveling to Cleveland Thursday to be with his mom, brother, the World's Most Sophisticated Man, Meathooks and many others dear to him. Funeral arrangements eventually will be done with the Rybicki & Son Funeral Home in Garfield Hts., Ohio, but the XMan's body is still in South Carolina.

"I'm speechless," Stevens said. "I did numerous stories about death, pain and loss as a journalist, and when it happens to you, you realize how insignificant the stories are."

Sun Chips promote LOUD message

I'm all for helping the environment, but the big question I'm wondering is this: Is it worth going deaf to save the planet?

I am a big fan of hearing. According to my vast Internet research, auditory reception helps communication between humans. However, my anecdotal research makes me feel that head nods and chest bumps could easily replace hearing.

Hearing's importance is being called into question because of the current bag of Sun Chips. On the bag, it reads: "This Bag Is Louder Because It Is Compostable." That is an understatement.

I do not know how it is possible, but an amplifier has been placed inside Sun Chips bags. Holy balls, they are mega-loud!Whenever I grab chips from the environmentally conscious bag, I feel the need to accentuate the sound by whirling my hand in the bag for five seconds before grabbing a chip. That was very funny the first three times I did it; now, family members and friends scold me when I do that.

A few videos on YouTube have recorded the Sun Chip bag phenomenon. And upon further review, I commend Sun Chips for using such a bag.

I have realized that the environment is more important than being greedy and having five senses. Ludwig van Beethoven didn't even need hearing, and his occupation was vaguely connected to hearing.

You hearing snobs, go ahead, and keep listening to reason or whatever it is you listen to. I'm saving the planet.

Psychology today: Way too touchy-feely

The problem with modern-day psychology is that way too much weight is devoted to what patients say. Jeez, will they ever shut up?

Any psychologist worth his salt will simply not listen to his patients and command them on what to do.

"Be a man!"
"Find your inner child."
"Maybe you should just kill yourself!"

Those are the necessary statements a psychologist should say to his properly sedated patient. Sometimes, a patient needs to be slapped. And why the heck are lobotomies outlawed?

I am not exactly sure when psychology took a turn for the worse, but Sigmund Freud had it right. The only proper therapy consists of hard-core, psychoanalysis of pain, struggles and sexual taboos. If the psychologist doesn't smoke a pipe and if it's not done with the patient on a long, austere couch, it simply is quackery.The last depiction of a proper psychoanalyst in pop culture was the Dr. Finch character in Augusten Burroughs' "Running with Scissors." That guy pulled no punches with his patients and even had a room called "The Masturbatorium." Who wouldn't be healed from him?

Unfortunately, the American Psychologist Association (APA) is way too political to implement proper care like that of Dr. Finch. But one day, the field will wake up and realize that all this touchy-feely stuff finally will end.

Too much Air in my Buick

I don't perceive cars as status symbols. To me, they're simply modes of transportation.

However, I must admit that when I drove my 1991 Buick Century across the country in 1998 and owned it for five more years, that I did treat it as a status symbol that said, "That's right, California. I'm rocking the Buick Century. Get out my way! Get out my way!"

It didn't take me long to realize that there are a distinct lack of American-made cars in Los Angeles and that my Buick Century typically was the coolest ride on the street.

The only negative with my Buick was that for approximately one year, the 1998 album "Moon Safari" by Air was stuck in my tape deck and prevented any other music from being played except that album. And, yes, it was a cassette tape. In fact, come to think of it, it was the last cassette tape I ever listened to.

I approximate that I listened to "Moon Safari" 104 times. The album is good enough to hold up for the first 70 plays, but after that, it starts to get old.
With Air stuck in the tape deck, the worst thing that would happen is when a friend was in the car and wonder why it was so quiet. That friend undoubtedly would insist on listening to "Moon Safari," despite my reservations.

Air, by the way, is a pretty darn good French electronica band. "Air" actually is an acronym for Amour, Imagination, Rêve, which translates to Love, Imagination, Dream. If it weren't for the tape being stuck in my Buick, I might like the band, but I just had Air overload.

If it weren't for the World's Most Sophisticated Man, I might still be listening to "Moon Safari" in my Buick (although I sold the car for $500 in 2003). During a visit, Mr. Sophistication listened to "Moon Safari" a mere three times and demanded to "get that damn tape out of there."

Gone for approximately 90 seconds from my apartment, Mr. Sophistication returned with the Air cassette in hand and said, "It really wasn't that big of a deal. I just needed a butter knife."